Complex Simplicity

pitchaz

2010-08-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

Delights

2010-08-05T10:39:00.000-07:00

Simple

2010-08-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

To be loved for me.

To be told I'm beautiful .. even when I don't feel it

Random sweet gifts

To be held at night.

To not have to hold my pillow and pretend it's you.

more like the not so simple things of life.....

Ball of Emotion

2010-08-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

I wish I had these to kick guys in the nuts when I'm pissed off.

♥

2010-08-03T12:15:00.000-07:00

This phone is 5,700 dollars. Real diamonds. I want it so damn bad, especially because it's pink.

maybe I can find it for cheaper? It's soo pretty.

Me .

2010-08-02T21:27:00.000-07:00

follow your heart.

follow your head.

I got follow my heart. :/

just sayin'

2010-08-02T20:58:00.000-07:00

"to think you gon' fall in and feed me bullshit sprinkled with game on it but when he hit it he wrote his name on it. i was committed when he put his brain on it. he and i will parade these streets and ill be damned if you rain on it. look, i know you have your regrets and I'm not gonna throw it in your face cuz hell, i wish you the best. but him, for you? that's like more for less and i just cant do it. you had your chance but you blew it. and deep inside i think you knew it was killin me but silly me i couldn't see the forest for the trees. and i didn't know i was cut so deep until i began to bleed, i guess they left out all the snakes in the stories of birds and bees. so you can cry me a river, cry me a sea but that's the last time i love a dude that ain't got no love for me."

Best I ever had

2010-07-23T18:38:00.000-07:00

No matter what we go through..

The ups & downs

Good and bad..

You make it all worth it in the end..

I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world .

3.21.08

Sparkles & Such

2010-07-19T18:43:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was like 10 or 11 my cousin came into the house on her 21st birthday.

She had on these platform silver glitter boots.

Knee high.

She told me when I was 21 she would give them to me .

I so looked forward to that day, too bad I would look like an idiot wearing them.

But still..

I love glitter & such.. especially pink ..

Well really I just love pink stuff...weird stuff.

ME stuff =]

opi collection.. seen it in my grandma's red book magazine .. I need this

Wish List

2010-07-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

It's only been 10 days.. but it seems so much longer.

Getting back into the swing of things, I've been interested in reading novels about prep school.

In my past life, for some reason that's appealing to me, and I would have went.

Anyway, here's a few of my wants in the NEAR future.

is he not the cutest thing ever ?

gets me every time. so damn adorable.

LOVE the shoes she has on. SOOO cute. The vest too.

More to come soon...

Life is so PRECIOUS

2010-07-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm going to keep this short & simple.

You really can go at ANYTIME.

Tomorrow is NOT promised.

Live as if today is your LAST.

Love like you never been HURT.

Laugh like you'll never get to again.

Cherish those who CHERISH you.

I love you Shedrick. Even if I can't be there in person I'm here for you regardless.

IF I had it like that I'd be there today.

I won't act like I knew him because I didn't.

But I know the affect you had on my boyfriend's life.

RIP T.J.

I do know you are truly missed .

Dom & TJ

Shedrick & TJ

happy birthday to ME !

2010-06-21T15:04:00.000-07:00

Soo today's my birthday.

21. WOOT WOOT.

It's raining outside. boooooooo.

I miss my boyfriend . SOOOO much.

I made some converse the other day but I don't know what size to get.

I heard they run small? I usually wear a 4, so does that mean I need to get a 3?

I love this picture.. borrowed it form cuban bunny ;)

I need to know where I can get that.

PINK !!!

sooner vs later I will have lots of lovey dovey pictures and you will all know how happy I am.

Chino Latino's for dinner tonight?

Hope I like it.

Birthday Plans.. or NOT.

2010-06-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

So my 21st birthday is coming up. I want to be really cheap though.

Whatever. Judge me if you want, but that's just how I roll.

Plus it's my day so I can do whatever I want.

I think the only thing I may purchase is my red velvet cake from target. [om nom nom]

and my pink converse that I made earlier today.

I tried to shop online earlier, I couldn't find anything ! booo.

I even went to Victoria Secret. NOTHING.

Everyone who knows me, knows I spend way too much money there.

Must be losing my touch.

I need a new journal too. So I'll add that to the list.

Happy 21st birth to me in 6 days.

Heyyy-ohhh.

Spinning out of Control

2010-06-13T17:04:00.000-07:00

Certain things piss me off really bad. For example, when people are sneaky. If you have to sneak then you know the shit that your doing isn't okay. By all means we're all grown out here and if you feel the need to indulge in other people, then fuck being in a relationship. That's the bottom line. I'd rather you break that shit off, because there is no explanation/justification that will make cheating [and just to be clear there are all sorts of things that fall into the category of cheating] make it okay.

I have a deep hatred for these type of people, who will lie their way through anything just have their cake & eat it to. That shit is immature whenever you get through and EVERYONE will eventually get hurt.

Also little ass girls, who decide and think that it's okay to pursue someone when they knowingly KNOW that this guy has a girlfriend. Your fucking low. Really fucking low, and karma is a bitch.

That is all .

2010-06-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

" IF you can't accept me at my WORSE; You don't DESERVE me at my BEST"

I feel so much better. Credit to my little sis Maya Papaya & Lilly. But most of all credit to myself. I am going to get through all of this regardless of what the outcome will be. The weight has been lifted. Thank God.

I'm only HUMAN.

2010-06-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

I usually give myself A LOT of credit when it comes to being patient.

I believe that I do hold a lot of patience when it comes to kids, but I suppose my stress is also do to the lack of patience when it comes to everything else. Right now I'm OVERWHELMED. I'm not happy where I am at this point in my life but I want to make the best of it, and be thankful that I'm even alive. That I even have the option of changing it, but it's a lot more challenging than I would have thought.

I'm the type of person who prefers to have that specific person who I can run to and just be in his arms when I need to. That person who makes it seem like everything will be okay in the end. But the situation I'm in prevents it and this isn't anything new for me. We've done this before it's just been a lot harder than I'd like it to be. See we've never been in the same state, and then all of a sudden we were for the past 5 months. We did get closer, and I guess that affected me more than I wanted to admit. I know that each day that goes by is another day closer I get to seeing him again. I just need to constantly remind myself that, as well as find an outlet of some sort because some days I'm great and other days I'm not.

It's an emotional roller-coaster as hell, and sometimes I feel like I don't want to be on it anymore.

Last night it was realllllyyy hard. I got super overwhelmed over something that I should just be over. I was okay for most of the day, but then it just took a turning point. It shouldn't be like this, it can get to be "too much" and I do want to have more control over it. Unfortunately being honest, I just don't.

"If u were hurt in the past, God gives u a new gift everyday: It's called the PRESENT. Let nothing ruin your FUTURE! " -Rev. Run

At this point I just feel like regardless of how often I stress or think about things that make me upset ( not purposely) things are going to happen. Regardless. Things that I have absolutely NO CONTROL over. I have to accept that, I have to hope & pray & trust that this is going to be different. That this is going to be something good & long lasting. I need to get to the point where I know what I am & can bring to the table. I do consider myself the whole damn package. I am. No doubt. So therefore if you can't appreciate that in the end, it won't be my fault. It'll be your loss. I want to have that attitude or that outlook it's just so much easier said than it is done. But I will get that mentality. I will.

Everybody has a story, stop playing the victim. This is your life, your story. Don't hold anybody accountable for the out come. YOU CHOOSE YOUR ENDING. You owe it to yourself, not the one's who have done you wrong. -Kena Graves

So I read the quote above this morning and it was just like a " snap the fuck out of it Cymone" and I was better. Small steps. Small steps & friends like her.

11:45

2010-06-09T21:45:00.000-07:00

You know some people say we have a sixth sense. Women often refer to it as our intuition. I believe as long as you go with your gut feeling you won't have regrets. Almost like god is talking to you. So I just want to put it out there, that if you ever need to tell me something ( hey god, it's me ) I promise I'll listen. Just tell me what I need to do, and I'll do my very best to accomplish it.

Dreams

2010-06-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

I am definitely a dreamer. I have dreams all the damn time and I definitely ALWAYS feel as though there is meaning behind them. Well I've recently learned, that my mind is super sensitive before I fall asleep. So if my mind is fixed on something someone said, or even if something is bothering me then I will probably have a really crazy dream. I also seem to dwell on small things like what I've read or something because I had a dream that I was pregnant. OH NO! Can I like OD on birth control? Remember "a pill a day keeps the babies away" but the dream was super dramatic because my stomach was small as hell, I delivered my own baby, my boyfriend was there, but we couldn't think of a name, and then like 2 hours later I was walking around. Hah ! Crazy as hell, I know. But still, I hope that it was just a dream, well I know that it was just a dream because currently I'm not pregnant. We're just going to keep it like that people.

I'm not Depressed. CHILL.

2010-06-07T17:12:00.000-07:00

I want to make cupcakes. A bunch of them.

Drink lots & lots of vodka.

Then drink a campfire mocha from Caribou & read Harry Potter with my Ugg slippers.

Oh how I miss thee

2010-06-07T13:29:00.000-07:00

So I told myself starting the 1st of June I would write every day. I know it looks like I didn't yesterday.. But I couldn't. i don't know what happen ! Anyway, my speakers work again ! Thank god, I like yanked the headphones out of the outlet & it made the red light go away and the speakers play sound ! Yay to movies with sound ... ;]

Now back to the regular scheduled program..

Today :

I miss...

His smile.

His face.

His laugh.

His touch

His embrace.

His heart.

His swag.

His being.

I miss his kiss.

The way he looks at me.

The way we interact.

His corny jokes.

His 45 min showers .. little fishy

I miss him a lot today.

New Orleans. Puerto Rico. Chipotle. Melodic Alien .

my other half .

Rain Clouds

2010-06-05T13:28:00.000-07:00

Today it's raining . Which fits my mood; sort of.

It's the weekend, right in the middle .

I had a weird dream last night, so many random people.

I like to analyze my dreams, maybe there's a message hidden deep within.

Today I could just sleep all day.

Or, be with you. That's not going to happen we both know this.

But another option: get lost in one of the 50 books I'm sure I own.

Not nearly enough, I'm working on it.

My mind is scattered with so many thoughts, one word makes me take a completely different path.

I have all these decisions I want to make. need to really.

I want to help so many people, but sometimes I just need to help myself.

Have you ever felt alone, and your surrounded by lots of people.

Sometimes I feel like that, a lot of times.

Distractions need to come easier, I think if I moved to Seattle I would actually enjoy the weather.

Watched another movie on netflix =]

Remember the Daze .

Life.

2010-06-04T17:10:00.000-07:00

2010.4.06

So today was the last day of work for the week, and I got to be done early. GREAT way to start the weekend.. yeah ?

Well I thought this too, UNTIL my speakers on my mac book stopped functioning which is wack because I was JUST using them like not even 5 mins before they started acting all childish . My child [ the computer ] is slowly dying on me, and it needs to go to the emergency room! Unfortunately the bill is probably going to be out of this world. I still have to save it though, but seriously.. hang on and don't die on me.

Besides feeling sort of overwhelmed I was getting really really irritated and then I went and read this . Thank god it was a new post, because I already read the rest of them, one of my fav blogs hands down. Anyway, my birthday is soon, almost 2 weeks exactly.. I have mixed feelings about it. I want to do so much, but then at the same time I'm just like blah.. not a good year to feel like this.. it's my golden birthday plus I'll for real be legal which means I can do all the stuff I usually do anyway, legally =]

I'm all over the place here so stick with me, I've been really craving sushi, like really really bad. I had it for the first time with my SPR (sexy puerto rican ) and it was amazing to say the least. The kind I had was rolled backwards, so rice on the outside, with salmon, cream cheese, & guac (mouth waters ) I could so go for that right now, along with a chipotle burrito that my cousin has been promising me for three days .. LOSER.

Today I watched this movie called The life before her eyes.. it was confusing as shit, but really good. If you're bored like me ( I have a months trial for netflix) you should watch. First 5 minutes definitely sucked me in.

Anyway, I'm off to the gym.. I got weight to shed.

aww that just made me think of him. =[

toodlez .

# 18

2010-06-03T20:47:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I found him .

Sunshine .

19 Days til Summer

2010-06-02T13:00:00.000-07:00

I choose to be with the person that makes me most happy

To laugh at things that need to be laughed at

To be as carefree as my heart desires

And to not give a fuck about those who don't matter

- Spanish Moss [ that's me ]

I may still not know what I want to be when I grow up,
but I do know that someday I want to live in a house filled with my books and travel souvenirs.
and the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends.
when I leave the house I will be going to a job i love, and I'll return to a person i love.
so, that’s the dream I'm working on.

Sprinkles . Glitters & Cupcakes

2010-06-01T06:47:00.000-07:00

20 days til Summer ..

2010-05-31T22:04:00.001-07:00

CARBS! My weakness

I work at DQ.. My dad got me a shirt w/ this logo on it from Te-HAS! ( spanish for texas )

CHIPOTLE !

MY sexy puerto rican .

burning carbs [hahahaha]

=]

All you need is love .

2010-05-28T23:11:00.001-07:00

If you have not seen this movie you're missing out. This is hands down, my new favorite movie. It's so beautiful, and it's a tear-jerker if you're emotional like me. Which is sometimes a good thing, in my opinion and since this is my blog.. that's the only one that matters right now =]. Anyway, the film is obviously called I am Sam. Sean Penn plays an autistic father, and Dakota fanning is his little girl. I'm becoming a bigger fan of hers as I see more movies with her. Talented actress.

Another good movie : Hound Dog

another Dakota Fanning movie .

If anyone does watch it let me know what you think.

Something borrowed .

2010-05-26T23:02:00.000-07:00

10 THINGS YOU WANT

Happiness
Own a Chipotle/ so I could eat that shit when I wanted FOR FREE
Jason's Deli
Spring 2010 [ Hampton Days ]
Financial Comfort
World Peace ( seriously, if EVERYONE'S happy whose gon be mad ?)
Condo on a private beach
All black range rover, pink headlights
Bull dog named Mr. Bentley
Us . Together. Forever.

9 MUSICIANS/BANDS YOU LOVE

[ Randomness ]

Duffy
Pharell
XV
SuuN
TPK
Justin Timberlake
Mozella
Stevie Wonder
Lady GaGa

8 THINGS YOU DO EVERYDAY

Tweet
BBM
Miss YOU
Sleep til 1 or 2
Drink water
reminisce
plan sh*t

7 THINGS YOU ENJOY

Him
eating
SEX
writing
pornhub.com
laughing
reading blogs

6 THINGS THAT WILL ALWAYS WIN YOUR HEART

honesty
Food
the beach
acoustic music
SJR
abstract art

5 FAVORITES: MOVIE, SONG, BOOK, FOOD, SEASON

Movie: Transformers
Book: Don't have one
Season: Fall/ Summer
Song: If this world were mine- Luther Vandross
Food: Potatoes

4 SMELLS OR SCENTS YOU ENJOY

Chipotle
His Cologne
Dreft
Rain

3 PLACES YOU WANT TO GO

Mexico
Ireland
New Orleans

2 FAVORITE HOLIDAYS

Thanksgiving
New Years

1 PERSON YOU’D MARRY ON THE SPOT

love me .

Cliche

2010-05-23T19:44:00.001-07:00

You know that saying you never know what you got until it's gone.. Well I knew what I had before he left.

lonely.

Transitions

2010-05-16T17:26:00.000-07:00

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone, in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it even if they don't see it nearly enough" - Cubanbunny's blog

This pretty much sums up how I'm feeling about this whole long distance thing the second time around. I miss him, point blank period. We had the chance to get close over the last 5 months and it meant so damn much to me. To be around each other, to lay on him if I wanted to, or kiss him when I wanted to. People take that type of thing for granted being around their significant other, you know the whole " you never know what you have until it's gone".. ugh it sucks. Which you would think it would be easier since we've done this before, but I got so comfortable being around him, as the time got closer to me leaving it became more and more overwhelming. I have this happiness around him that's indescribable, and I just want that happiness back. I just want to laugh, and be on the beach again, throwing the Frisbee and making up our salsa dance =].. but unfortunately I have to wait, and I don't like waiting.

Trying to focus on the next time I see him is what I need to do, and trying to not be sad/upset is the second thing I need to do. But of course, things are always "easier said than done" blah blah blah blah. I basically just want what I want and I want it now. I sound like the little girl in Charlie & the Chocolate Factory who was a brat. So maybe I am a brat when it comes to him, I just want him back. Baby come back? Please

.

2010-05-12T16:29:00.000-07:00

Since I've been back there has only been ONE day of sunshine. I'm pretty sad about this, because I left 87 degree heat, which I am guilty of complaining about but still, I miss the sun ! It's supposed to rain for the next two days and although I hate the cold, it definitely reflects my mood because I miss him like crazy. June seems like it's forever & a day away and being long distance sucks. I know I can handle it, but sometimes I just want him to be able to come over and make everything better. Hopefully things will get better though, because no matter how slow time is going by it is passing, and pretty soon it will be June and time to see my baby!

I left my heart in Hampton, Va

2010-05-06T17:50:00.000-07:00

In two days I'm going home, these TWO days will be the longest ever, well at least that's how it feels. The reason being is because I left my heart in hampton/maryland.. I became closer with three of the most amazing people ever + the most amazing boyfriend ever.. who left to maryland earlier today. I've packed up majority of my life in petersburg, where I basically just stayed to go to school, and I left every good, crazy, living life to the fullest, sad, stressed, mad ( which was very seldom) moments in the Hampton, VA. You know how you meet those type of friends who you have to see every day because they bring some short of sunshine into your life? They make it all worthwhile, well here's mine..

Jason aka " Sweater One" :

'

Jason is the one who makes me laugh, and is always there to give you advice. He's one of a kind and he's such an amazing person, I honestly don't think Jason & I have ever argued. Despite the fact that we recently got close this semester he's a person I could see as a life long friend, he isn't your average "black guy" which is why I like him so much. He's just down to earth, and he tells it like it is, I hope this doesn't sound like a creepy here's a guy for sale or anything like that. He's just a good friend, and I'm glad he was brought into my life.. besides what guy in your life can you say almost walked into lady gaga and got arrested because he was too occupied texting. Yeah.. go head .. hate on it. Anyway Jason, if you see htis know that your amazing, and that you shouldn't change for anyone! I hope to visit Jersey soon so I can get a coney dog and have lots of fun ! COWBOY JASON! Yellow nipples & streaking on the private beach. Oh yeah and ROOT beer. =]

The Better One & The Letter One aka Livi & Matthew :

The other couple .. Jeeze I'm going to miss you two. Im so glad I got to know you know Livi, you've made my life that much more funnier with your amazingly random personality, and dances. Your hands down my favorite Berumudian although your the only bermudian I know but still, who says that matters. Matt your definitely one of a kind and the things you do are equally funny, I hope you two know how much you guys mean to me and have an amazing summer! I'm going to miss all the things that Matt you've already experienced and nine times out of 10 can tell us all how it works, and livi and your crazy dance moves, that come at the most random of times. Fendi too, even though he made me sneeze like there was no tomorrow, and getting to know all you two because we hung out so often, doing your hair and learning new things about different countries, fashion or where the conversation may take us. I can't wait until we do our cruise, get that condo in NY & get you on a track my sexy bermudian!

Last but DEFINITELY not least, the most amazing boyfriend ever... who took part of me to maryland and anywhere else you go this summer:

Baby.. baby.. Baby.. words can't describe how amazing you are. Especially that nose of yours ;).. this semester wouldn't have been complete without you and your the one who introduced me to these crazy amazing people. I miss you so much and it hasn't even been a whole day. I just want to thank you for everything, all the good times & bad because you can't have the good without the bad. I know I'm going to see you again but when you're with someone who makes it seems like the world is perfect and nobody can hurt me .. you always want to be around that person. This semester will forever be apart of me and I have you to thank for.. I can't wait for the many more to come...

Well people.. I just wanted to give a introduction to the amazing people who kept me sane, and loved while I was away from home. My second family.. I can't wait until I see you guys again. Until next time..

Something is missing

2010-04-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

So I was put onto this song called " Something is Missing " (the acapella version ) by Brandy. This song is amazing. I listen to it a lot and I can definitely relate to it, because I do feel like something is missing. I'm becoming more and more happy with my major choice which is Psychology, but I still don't know specifically where I want to go with my degree. I'm torn between working in a rehab facility or working in a hospital, I know for sure I want to focus on rehabilitation, that's really big for me. But anyway, back to the song it basically says that she feels like she's going in circles and that she doesn't know what's going on she's lost in the middle of no where. I feel like that a lot, when I'm in a certain place. I don't feel whole, I feel like there's a hole, somewhere on me and I don't know where or what I'm actually looking for.. it's just different.

I'm determined to find this " something " whatever it is, and whatever this journey takes me. I need to find it..

Cheaters. Liars. Snoopers. Insecurities.

2010-04-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

CHEATERS!?!

First let me say this; I am guilty of 3 out of 4 of these things. Who doesn't lie? I lied my ass off as a kid, but I learned from it, and my mom was right in telling me that once you lie once it's a continuous spiral down because you have to keep lying. I honestly try to not lie ... but there are certain things that we don't even realize we're lying about because it's become unconscious. I've also snooped before which I hate to admit but I'm human and I know I was wrong so I just don't anymore. Whatever you go looking for.. you will find it. Sometimes it's best for things to not be found and of course who am I kidding BUT I'm also insecure about things as well. Let me just make this as short and straight to the point as possible: I was cheated on in my past two relationships and now they both have kids.

Not going to lie, that shit fucks with you. The first time it's like cool, whatever you know it hurts but I can get through this. Then you go onto the next after some time and BAM.. it happens again. Then you have to start wondering, "well damn did I do something wrong?" But no people.The reasons they both gave me were you're too prefect" WTF? Now that sounds like some She's Out of my League type ish but I kid you not that's what I got. See my thing is this, guys will bug the shit out of you most of the time to show you "we're not all the same" " give me a chance" blah-zay-skippy BUT 9 times out of 10 it comes back they it was just them talking out of their ass.

I hate cheaters. Cheaters are liars who in turn make you want to snoop and then you develop insecurities. Im not going to justify it being okay to snoop because it's NOT. I learned my lesson and I truly want this relationship to be different, but that little annoying bug called Insecurity likes to drop in from time to time and sit on my shoulder.. and just be whispering. Then I let it get to me.. and I shouldn't. But have you ever been at a point where you just want to be proved WRONG for once. I mean damn, can we get a honest, good-looking, faithful "non-existent" boyfriend. Maybe that's too much? I mean as far as I know and I believe & trust this relationship has been different. I love it. The insecurities get to me but if I can write it out then I don't have to worry. He hasn't cheated ( thank god ) and I'm going to pray it stays that way.

But how do you get out of this vicious cycle, whose funnel is the twisted lies, and nightmares of cheating. You try not to be annoying, over-analyzing, skitzo girlfriend but then again nobody is perfect. Everyone has flaws, and the unconscious feelings that keep coming back, and you not realizing until it's too late that you're doing it until you're already there; maybe it's not the bug insecurity but maybe it's the woman's intuition that we're always told to listen to.

What to do?

2010-01-10T16:25:00.000-08:00

Soooo.. I'm finally in VA. I love the weather, this is definitely what I'd rather deal with vs the - degree weather we were getting up in Minnesota. At first I was listening to Tyneisha Kelly's song "I wish you loved me.." but her voice is sooo annoying. The song is good, but ughh girl stop whining. Now I'm listening to " Shouldn't have to wait" by Ryan leslie. Ohhh I love this song. I have mixed emotions, I'm feeling like a little of both right now. Check both the songs out, I understand if you'd rather read the lyrics to Tyniesha Kelly's song vs listening to it. But here's the Ryan Leslie lyrics I love so much :)

Verse 1:
It was just infatuation (yeah)
And I know I should’ve said so (oooh)
'cause you gave up your relations (yeah)
So that you could have me for yours

[Pre-Chorus:]
Boo, after quite some time
You got restless babe
Said you wanted more, from me (lemme talk about it)
I didn’t know what to do
I just turned away
When you looked me in the eyes and say…

[Chorus:]
This is crazy!
I shouldn’t have to wait (that’s what you told me)
I shouldn’t have to wait for you
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love… (no, no, no)
Baby save it!
I shouldn’t have to wait
I shouldn’t have to wait for you
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love…

[Verse 2:]
Uh…
Couldn’t see what I was losing (yeah)
When I said I couldn’t stay, that night (uh)
And it must have been confusing (yeah)
Can imagine what was on your mind
When you begin to cry

[Pre-Chorus:]
Boo, after quite some time
You got restless babe
Said you wanted more, from me (aaand)
I didn’t know what to do (do)
I just looked away (I looked away…)
When you turned to me and you said you’re sick of waiting

[Chorus:]
This is crazy!
I shouldn’t have to wait (baby)
I shouldn’t have to wait for you (I shouldn’t have to wait for you)
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love… (lo–lo–love)
Baby save it! (baby)
I shouldn’t have to wait (I shouldn’t have to wait)
I shouldn’t have to wait for you (shouldn’t have to wait for your love)
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love… (lo–lo–love)

(Woo!)

[Bridge:]
Oooo, I’m not tryna’ be tough
I know what you need
And I know I’m not the one
Baby trust me (I know I’m not thaaa one)
To take good care of you
(I know) it’s gotta be rough
Said, I know it tears you up inside
Knowing I can’t
Give you what you need
And I know its craaaazy…

[Chorus: w/ ad-libs]
This is crazy!
I shouldn’t have to wait (no I shouldn’t have to wait)
I shouldn’t have to wait for you (baby)
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love…
(shouldn’t have to wait for love, yeah)
Baby save it!
I shouldn’t have to wait (oh, yeaaah)
I shouldn’t have to wait for you (for your loooove)
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love…
(I don’t wanna wait for your love)

This is crazy!
I shouldn’t have to wait (no baaaby)
I shouldn’t have to wait for you (tell me why you make me wait)
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love… (I don’t wanna wait for you)
Baby save it!
I shouldn’t have to wait
I shouldn’t have to wait for you (for your love bae
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love…
(I shouldn’t have to wait, no, no, no)

Me & my Randomness

2010-01-08T18:18:00.000-08:00

I love. LOVE. LOVE. her nails.

These are just a few quotes that give me strength, make me smile, inspire me. Some are how I'm feeling, some are just randomness that makes me.. well me.

you're not going to be his first & you're not going to be his last, or his only.
he has loved before, and he will love again.
if he says he loves you now, what else matters?
he isn't perfect and you aren't either.
but he can make you laugh, he can make all your worries go away, &admit that he too makes mistakes. so hold onto him for as long as you can.
he isn't going to quote sappy love poems, but he will trust you enough to give you a part of him that you have the ability to break.
don't hurt him, don't try to change him, and don't expect more than he can give. don't analyze.
smile when he makes you happy, and let him know when he makes you mad.
miss him when he isn't there, and appreciate him for everything that he is worth.
because before you know it, he will only be a memory.

I've stopped taking people's shit completely.
I'm gonna be completely honest.
Say what I feel.
And fuck the people who get in the way.

So fail. Be bad at things. Be embarrassed. Be afraid. Be vulnerable.
Go out on a limb or two or twelve. You will fall, and it will hurt.
But the farther you fall, the higher you will rise.
The higher you rise, the clearer your future becomes. Failure is a gift, welcome it.
There are people who spend their whole lives wondering how they became the people they became,
how certain chances pass them by, why they didn't take the roads less traveled.
Those people aren't you.
You have front row seats to your own transformation and in transforming yourself,
you might transform the world. It will be electric, and I promise it will be terrifying.
Embrace that; embrace the new person you're becoming.
This is your moment. I promise you, it is now, not to two minutes from now,
not tomorrow, but really now. Own that, know that deep in your bones,
go to sleep every night knowing that,
wake up every morning remembering that, and keep going.

Don't worry. He'll miss you. You're the best he could get and he blew it.
Don't let him make you think for one second that it was your fault.
It's not. He screwed up, and you did absolutely nothing wrong.
You gave him your heart and you trusted him to keep it and protect it, but he couldn't.
And honestly he's not mature enough. He's not smart enough.
If he was smart, he would have cared for you with every fiber of his being and been with you in every spare second he could, but he didn't and now he's gone.
But don't you cry, sweetie. Don't call him telling him you miss him.
Don't IM him, don't message him, don't comment him, and don't talk to him in the hallways,
just pretend like you don't care, because, well, you don't.
And don't be surprised when he comes crawling back saying he made a mistake,
and if you want to, go with him again, but make him work for you.
Don't be his doormat.
Don't let him the first time he rings the bell,
make him come back every day until you trust him enough.
If he doesn't come back after a couple of tries, just let him go,
but if he comes back every day, then he's worth it, trust me. He's worth it.

And I guess you're proof
that when you let go of the past,
something better comes along

You know what your problem is?
You have no idea what you're worth.
I'm serious, you don't know how beautiful you are.
I mean, when I look at you, I shiver.
And you can't even see it.

Sometimes I sit back and think I just want more than anything your time. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me I'm beautiful, and even when I don't feel like it tell me I'm amazing. To kiss me like no one is watching & to smile like I'm the only person in the world that you wanna be with. Is that too much to ask? - MEEEE

12:42

2009-12-28T22:42:00.000-08:00

" I was excited, cuz I was fallin'--fallin' in love with you"

Okay so straight up words are powerful as FUCK. No seriously, just give me a minute and hear me out. Some people are like you know " sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" or some shit like that but that's bull shit as hell. Excuse my potty mouth I have not a clue where the hell it's coming from but anyways, like I'm saying words are strong as hell. Like the " L Word" which I discussed earlier this month, but it's the truth. I feel like if you really don't feel that way when someone tells you that don't say it back to save face. In the end that shit comes out and then the person who was really in love is left out in the open, vulnerable as fuck and hurt. Basically that shit is selfish as hell to say it... just because. I mean yeah, granted it would be awkward to just not say it back but they definitely have to respect you for being real. that's all im saying.

adios.

8 more days

2009-12-27T19:25:00.000-08:00

Okay so I literally have a week & one day left until it's time for me to leave. I'm taking my first trip on Amtrak, pray for me that it's not horrible. Christmas was interesting, I wasn't really expecting much, I was actually disappointed that I didn't have the funds to get all the people I love gifts but as soon as the mula comes in, Imma have gifts galore to hand out. :)

any who...

I'm having THEE hardest time deciding where I want to go for my 21st/golden birthday. 6/21 is SOOO far away; yet so close. Besides if I price it now I could definitely get a good deal on a package. So I'm thinking Puerto Rico, Mexico or MAYBE Vegas since I do have fam out there.. Oh the many choices. I managed to pack majority of my stuff today, go me since I'm the type to wait til the last minute possible to actually start packing, but whatever. I'm making progress which is good. 2010 is almost here, damn December flew by fast. Anyone doing any resolutions? I wanna start doing either yoga or Pilate's. That's all I got so far, oh yeah and choose between psychiatry or psychology. decisions. decisions.

adios.

Hard Candy

2009-12-21T16:43:00.000-08:00

First off let me start by saying this movie was weird. Not only was it weird but the director kind of left people hanging.

If you have a light stomach don't watch this because there's one graphic part in it that was like what the fuck is wrong with this chick. The chick being Ellen Page, excuse me if I spelt her name wrong but she was damn right psycho in this movie. I like to find good movies and watch them when I'm sitting in the house avoiding the snow. Like a sane person would, unless you have some weird ass infatuation with snow, hence you would be outside like a dummy playing in it. Otherwise, if you're not doing anything check this movie out, lemme know what you think. It was good, no doubt but I still stick with my weird rating. She was fuckin' psycho, but it kind of made you think what if which is kind of interesting as well.

The L word.

2009-12-20T17:51:00.000-08:00

No. Not the show. I mean love. Have you ever been terrified of using it? The past two relationships that I've been I didn't think twice about dropping the word. This relationship I'm so hesitant to say it and I know I'm only fooling myself. I love him with out a doubt, it's sad I can admit it on a blog but not in person. I'm terrified of getting my heart broken again therefore I just dunno if I'm ready to make that step. Oh this sucks big time. I keep wanting to go back and retrace footsteps that are already present, and the only reason is because I don't want to be honest with myself. Ehhh.. soon or later, probably sooner I'm guessing I'm going to have to admit it. But I'm scared. I don't want to be that vulnerable again. Maybe I shouldn't say I don't want to, I'm just afraid to be. There it is.

I feel like this is so dumb. I should be able to just say it and deal with the reaction to it. I'm not even afraid of the fact that he may not say it back. We've been together for almost 2 years so honestly if he doesn't there's nothing I can do about it and I can accept that. I think I'm more afraid of him actually saying it back. Once you drop that word, it has so many meanings and emotions tied to it and my ass is already emotional as it. Bahhhh humbug. [ I've always wanted to say that.. deal with it ] This sucks but mainly for me since I've become so secretive with my emotions and would rather keep it bottled up inside. I think the last straw that broke the camel's back was when I spoke to his granny. She said she knew I loved her grandson from the way I talked about him... BAM. Elders always know it, there's no hiding it from them. That was all the proof I needed to convict myself of being guilty. Ooooo booooo. Once this is all said and done I'm going to look back at this and say " Cymone, get it together it wasn't even that bad" but until then I will be analytical, emotional self and continue to argue the inevitable knowing the truth is already out there and I need to quit lying to myself. Thank you & Good night.

hah.

Eff it all

2009-12-10T22:02:00.001-08:00

I've come to the point where I'm literally just ready to say FUCK IT ALL. I'm tired of trying to make everyone happy, I'm tired of not being friends with people and not even knowing why. I'm tired of biting my tongue and putting a smile on when I don't feel like it.. Basically I'm just TIRED. I can't even describe to you the amount of things building up inside of me and I'm ready to just explode. I keep a lot of things inside because I'm careful to be super patient, kind and try to help others as much as possible but I still seem to be grasping the short end of the stick. HOW THE EFF does that work out? I mean seriously, I may not be able to do everything you need me to do but I still try and be the best person that I can be. I'm so done. If you don't have my best interest at heart, there's the door USE it. If you don't want anything more from me then to get between my thighs, please be a man and say that shit because I will NOT hesitate to call you on it anymore. I'm tired of getting fed the same ol bull shit and to still smile through it like everything is just peachy. Well guess what it's not.

THAT IS ALL.

Love Bug.

2009-12-09T16:46:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and the madness of the world becomes at a standstill

I don't want to have to deal with " silly" emotions nor the complications that life throws at you

I'm not complaining.. just simply stating.. madness I need a break from you

From you twists and turns and life changing situations that you decide to throw my way...

It's amazing how you can be so set in a certain opinion and certain circumstances alter them

I mean come on, I was definitely sure that in no way shape or form is it okay for you to have your cake and eat it to.. But I may feel differently now. It could be from past experiences that have made me want to lock my heart up in numerous way and compartments, or even the simple fact that I'm scared to admit the inevitable which so kindly snuck up on me and bit the shit out of me. I didn't bleed though, nah I've grown to become almost immune to these bites. ALMOST.

See the harder you fight the faster you fall, it's almost like quick sand you know when you have to stay calm and then you can be set free ( okay maybe it's like harry potter when they were wrapped up in the devils snare and Ron freaked out, and Hermione told him that he had to calm down in order to break free.. don't judge me okay ) anyway.. I kept fighting and well it happened. I'm scared as shit because I have to brace myself for this emotion, nobody can give me a straight answer when I ask " What is love" there are so many definitions of it that I don't even know if I have an understanding but I feel it towards him and I'm scared. I'm scared because of what the past has brought and I don't want that to happen again.. It would be my fault. You know fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.. fool me three times.. yeah you get the drift..

We spend our whole lives telling ourselves that
everything happens for a reason when in reality,it's just that we give reasons for everything that happens

Is this a HATE crime?

2009-11-18T20:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the media HONESTLY kills me. They ask really ridiculous questions that the evidence is basically slapping them in the face with. Like hello, your answer is quite obvious!?!

Evidence # 1:

Please refer to the link below. Then in YOUR opinion tell me if you really even need to question was it a hate crime or not. The suspect CLAIMS that he (Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado pictured at left ) tried to kill him. But decapitating someone, and partially burning the body...Speaks for itself that ish is wayyy past self defense. Come people lets use our brains.

Full story can be found here:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/11/18/puerto.rico.gay.teen.slain/index.html

Update

2009-11-17T10:20:00.000-08:00

The body found was that of Shaniya Davis. Breaks my heart and I hope that little girl is resting in peace. How could you do anything harmful to a five year old? The dad crying hurt me even more, I can't believe she's gone and I don't even personally know her. It's just so cruel to take a life of someone who can't protect themselves.

This DISGUSTS me!

2009-11-16T09:26:00.000-08:00

Look at this beautiful child. She's five and I'm sure just like any other five year old she was probably starting kindergarden and was enjoying her beautiful young life. She's beautiful honestly and she's definitely an innocent CHILD. Now not to just focus on her beauty because all children are young and innocent at that age but I mean seriously look at her:

Her name is Shaniya Davis. She's missing in North Carolina.

This is what her so called " mother" looks like:

Now lets get a few things straight here bloggers just so we're clear:

1. Just because you have a child doesn't make you a mother, or father or in this case a fit parent

2. Not everyone should have the blessing of being able to have kids, ( and this is just my opinion)

3. The following article from CNN.com ( which is my home page) really pissed me and hurt me

(CNN) -- About 200 people were searching Monday in North Carolina for the body of a missing 5-year-old girl after "reliable information" indicated that she may be dead, Fayetteville, North Carolina, police said.

The search focused on land near a roadway because "reliable information received that the body of Shaniya Davis may have been dumped there," the Fayetteville Police Department said in a statement.

Investigators have been searching for Shaniya for several days.

Police charged the girl's mother, Antoinette Nicole Davis, with trafficking and other offenses, authorities said. Davis was "prostituting her child," said Fayetteville police spokeswoman Theresa Chance.

Other charges against the mother include felony child abuse, prostitution and filing a false police report, according to the Fayetteville Police Department.

The mother told police last week that the child vanished from their mobile home in Fayetteville.

Hotel surveillance video taken around the same time Shaniya was reported missing shows the girl with a man identified as Mario Andrette McNeill. He has been charged with first-degree kidnapping.

Police said they dropped kidnapping charges against another man, Clarence Coe, who was arrested Thursday in connection with the case.

I have a weak spot for children, I'm the Oldest of 8 and have been around kids ever since I could remember. I have this thing in my heart where I just want to save every single kid from monsters like this person. How do you prostitute a 5 year old! They can't even comprehend SEX, this disgusts me, not only do they not understand the act of sex but how does a grown ass man have SEX with someone who could be their child, their neice, they're LITTLE SISTER. What the hell is this world coming to. She deserves life in prison because this child did NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING to deserve this. I pray they find her alive, I really do.

This is NOT justice

2009-11-12T21:15:00.000-08:00

Stories like this hurt me to the core. I know I don't know the whole situation nor the story but LIFE without parole, at the age of 16? Excuse my french, but this is BULL SHIT and something needs to be done.

She's now 29 by the way, seriously she doesn't deserve to die in that prison!

Capital Punshiment

2009-11-11T12:11:00.000-08:00

As I sit here and listen to Say it ain't so - MoZella I can't help but to think of the hundreds, even thousands of people whose lives have been taken by Capital Punishment. If you listen to this song it doesn't have anything to do with Capital Punishment of course, it's just what I'm listening as I post this. I was on facebook earlier because I'm currently not in school this semester and well that's what my day consists of before work and my godfather posted a simple question asking if John Allen Mohammad got what he deserved. The question wasn't up for very long, 30 minutes I believe and I wrote this small response saying that he didn't, we're not god and we have no right to say who deserves to live and who deserves to die. In response to this post also I decided to change my status and asked the facebook world, ( well those who are my friends ) if they too disagreed with Capital Punishment, this is where I would meet my new best friend Olivia Cole ( follow her she also has a blog http://rantingowl.blogspot.com/) :D. She also agreed with me and pretty much took the words right out of my mouth. We spoke about how capital punishment is hypocrisy, we as a society condemn those who kill people but then turn right around and kill them= how could this not be hypocrisy? Honestly, who are you to say well he killed someone so he deserves to die, that's not under any circumstance true. Now I'm aware that people could say, " well you don't know how it feels to have someone taken from you by murder" and with all do respect you're right I don't, but I believe in karma as well as GOD and I know that in the end everyone will have to take responsibility for what they did. I believe that the best punishment for those who have taken another life is to give them a life sentence, simply because and as Olivia pointed out there is usually something mentally wrong with people who can take another persons life and they usually don't care if they die, so in a way you're giving them exactly what they asked for. Instead, locking them up for a lifetime they have to sit and think about what they did to get them there and that is definitely JUSTICE in my opinion. It's interesting this conversation even took place because just yesterday at work me and my manager were talking about this government and the corrupt things that take place. I also just caught a glimpse of a article that she posted about Gay Right and that's another subject that I could on about ALL DAY. But i'll save it for another time bloggers. I hope I made a small difference in your opinion about Capital Punishment, because honestly we as human beings do have an instinct for revenge and we have to set self aside and let karma take it's course.

I am IRRITATED.

2009-10-26T17:48:00.000-07:00

There are times when I just need to get away. I don't want to be bothered by anybody, I don't want to be asked what's wrong.. simply BECAUSE 9 time out of 10 there isn't anything you can do about it and your probably don't even care... your just asking to be

1) Nosey

2) because it sounds good.

I'm tired of people asking me that when they really don't care. I'm tired of being in this crazy atmosphere where there is no peace and I'm tired of dealing with damaged relationships that will only get fixed when it's convenient for you. That's NOT how the world works and that's not FAIR for you to do that just because you have a certain title. A title means nothing when you've asked " what can I do to make it better" and you refuse to do it. I'm tired of trying to make everyone around me happy, and I should have known from jump that sometimes you just can't make everyone happy. Sometimes in life it's time for you to be selfish because once you get to a certain point in your life you can NO longer be SELFISH and it will no longer be just about YOU. So I've come to the conclusion that if you don't give a F&*( about me then guess what the feeling is definitely mutual. If your not on anything then you need to remove yourself from my life, presence, and plain and simple just keep it moving. That goes for ANYBODY that falls into this category because if your bring negative energy to me then you don't want what's best for me and therefore there is no reason for you to even be apart of my life. I'm tired and my mom always told me when you get tired enough you will make the change that needs to be made. So kindly... EFF YOU! && your negative energy and if your feelings are hurt then it was probably geared toward you in the first place.

Blackberry aka Crackberry; Fall

2009-09-10T19:48:00.000-07:00

So randomly the other day at work I decided that summer is no longer my favorite season. I mean yeah I was born in the summer, and I love going to the beach [ I fell in ♥ with Virginia Beach ] and I love ice cream, I mean hey I've been working at Dairy Queen for three years, so that was bound to happen. But I think fall has my heart, I love wearing dark jeans, sweaters, cardigans, boots and the colors are so beautiful. Perfect day would be Caribou Coffee, good book, warm sweater, I could just chill on my porch and kick back. Fall is also football and I love to watch football, like the sport is just so entertaining, and I get so excited. So besides fall being my new favorite season I'm just getting really excited because Halloween & Thanksgiving is also during the fall. I love thanksgiving, because I love food, which we should all know this by now, I also like Halloween because I love dressing up and being whatever I want for that particular day. So fall you have captured my heart, way to go you!

So my phone has been off for sometime now and I'm really sad, because my phone is definitely apart of me. I recently seen this girl who had a blackberry curve, which I also have and she painted it PINK. I ♥ pink so much, it's my favorite color, and before I had a blackberry curve I had a blackberry pearl and just put a pink cover over it but well, if I can actually paint it pink Im so down for it. You have to see how beautiful this phone is. look for yourself:

Pic 1:

Pic 2:

Pic 3:

Now she did this with Krylon spray paint? I definitely want to try this, but I can't afford to mess up, so should I do this or not? I'm leaning more towards yes, but we'll see because I did see this really pretty case, but I don't really cases just because it's makes it all chunky sort of, but whatever. Hopefully I'll gain the courage to do this and my phone will be just as prettyful. Can't wait to have updates :)

Dairy Queen

2009-09-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

So for those of you who are still clueless I work at Dairy Queen. Now this job has it's pros and cons but mostly I always have CRAZY customer stories I have to tell and sometimes it gets quite annoying and becomes frustrating more than entertaining. I have been working at DQ for 3 years now, I started in 2006 and there is ALWAYS going to be crazy stories when it comes to dealing with customers. We get this magazine at the store and now I can't remember what it's called but there's always a part in the magazine that has customer letters telling about their good experience or the bad experience they had when visiting various Dairy Queens across the United States. Well some of them are cool, and others are just the typical complaining of what we as the employee could have done better to make their visiting experience up to par, well people it's time to see the other side of the story. Today I was at work and it was almost time for us to close, one of my biggest pet peeves is when a customer sees the lights are off, the open signs are off, the roof signs are off and they come up to the window anyway and ask " Are you still open?"

# 1. Is it not obvious that we're closed when everything that is usually on during operating hours is off

# 2. Do you really care if we're open, or is it just you as the customer trying to be annoying, because regardless if we are open or not you are still going to want some ice cream.

If you're going to ask me if we're open, and I tell you no, then LEAVE. Do not stand around with that stupid face and look as though I'm supposed to stay up for you, because then YOU attract MORE customers. Now I know this sounds really mean, but if only you could understand how often I have to put up with this annoying question like it doesn't matter if we're closed or not so please do not ask because you will still proceed to give your order anyway, because you want some ice cream. Now not only does it drive me insane when that happens, BUT the funniest thing that I actually find really entertaining is the fact that people will come and order a EXTRA LARGE BLIZZARD, which is a ridiculous amount of ice cream and then along with all of those calories order a EXTRA LARGE DIET POP. Seriously??? What is the point of this people, please let me know? I don't understand how that all balances out. Now another great thing you get to experience when working at Dairy Queen is the fact that when cutomers have an attitude they want you to still continue to be polite to them. For example, I worked tonight from 4:00 pm - 10:00 pm. I got there early though and it was about 9 almost 9:30 and this guy comes up to the window and says he wants six items, and I'm like okay what can I get you, and he says six items again, and then as I proceed to ask him again what six things he wants, he says I'm trying to tell you I want six things, now if you can be quiet I'll tell you, but since you want to do it your way fine. He orders 2 hot dogs, 2 polish sausage and 2 large mistys, then gives me some money [ now even though I had to put up with his attitude I still made a tip ] but the weirdest things happens, he's waiting for his order then the next thing I know I look up and he's gone on his bike. SUPER WEIRD. Why do you pay for all that stuff, and then leave? That's just not all that smart, but hey whatever. I experience a lot of things working at Dairy Queen, some good, some bad, but the location that I work with and the people and managers are amazing, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Regardless of the rude, inconsiderate customers I have to deal with from time to time. Oh and another thing that I think is super cool is the fact that I work at the first dairy queen ever built in minnesota. Go a head, hate on it. :)

late night/ early morning. Whatev floats your boat.

2009-09-04T23:30:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, so not to be the whiner, although I feel like since I said that it will be exactly what this post sounds like but I swear I think birth control makes you even more emotional. Yes, for those of you who don't know, although I personally don't think it's a big deal I'm on birth control or ( BCP ) which by the way [ Lilly you have inspired me to write " no babies " on my pack as well ] but any who I always find myself like really emotional over stuff that probably should be that serious you know. But then I think on it and I'm like okay, but I'm not always like this so it's like small spurts or whatever. It's just annoying, I started working again back at DQ aka Dairy Queen for those of you who are clueless to what that meant and I don't have a day off until Wednesday. I'm not complaining at all, NO NO not at all, I NEED THE MONEY. But I already feel that feeling that I always get when I'm heading down the "doing too much" road. I feel like I need to start writing again, man this is kind of creepy because I been reading my brother's god sister's blog too, and she said she use to write ALL THE TIME. Well, I was the exact same way. I had this brown journal my mom gave me and it had a song on the cover page, well a few pages in and it was the song " I hope you dance" by Lee Ann Womack. I love that song, it's super inspirational, as a matter of fact that will be my song playing on page for a few days. But anyways, I would write ALL THE TIME my senior year, about whatever I was feeling, poems, thoughts, quotes, whatever and it would be like a weight lifted off my shoulder. But now, I just don't write. Maybe I don't have the time, or maybe it is " permanent writers block" whatever it is I need a release like 3 weeks ago, something's gotta give. I need a breath of fresh air.

[The picture on this post is actually the picture that was on the front of journal.]

Death to ALL flies.

2009-09-02T22:16:00.001-07:00

So basically I am so pissed off right now, because of this stupid FLY! The sound that a fly make truly freaks me out and there's one in the house right now, I believe it's horse fly because it's extremely loud when it's flying around. Now, I tried to do something totally out of character and freaking let the fly out the back door at freakin` 11 pm at night, but NOOO the fly DOES NOT appreciate my kindness which I rarely show when it comes to insects, bugs whatever you want to call it and I usually kill it. I mean honestly I'm sure that there is a reason why bugs exist but I HATE them passionately. They disgust me to the utmost power and it freaks me out that this fly will be flying around in my house while I'm sleep, if I ever get there simply because I do not want to wake up to that sound buzzing in my ear. WHAT THEE EFF! UGHHH! I am so mad seriously, like I know it sound dramatic but you just don't understand, I cannot stand, spider, bees, wasps, dragon flies, flies period! UGHH!

120.

2009-09-02T12:33:00.001-07:00

Okay so people I'm really excited, I stepped on the scale today and the number that read back to me made me smile. I was at 130 when I was sick and had to go the emergency room and all that, but I usually was 119-120. So today I was trying to measure a book,[ yes on a home scale I didn't know what else to use ] and I was like oh what the hay, let's see how much I weigh, and lo and behold 120 stared back at me. EXCITING. Yes I know, I mean clearly I've been doing something right that I lost 10 lbs, but if only I could get a bit more toned, and have a flatter stomach, I would be so much more happier. Although I do complain about these things from time to time, I have a HUGE passion for food, that I cannot give up anytime soon. But I just though I'd share this news with you, and now I'm off to find something to eat. Hopefully the tens lbs don't come back too soon. I really don't miss them all too much.

Shoe-gasm?

2009-08-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

So as you can see this post is titled "shoe-gasm" believe it or not I am a virgin when it comes to having a shoe-gasm. Yes I've seen shoes and I'm like yeah those are cute but I've never been one to go like super psycho I gotta have those shoes. For the following reason:

1. Food is my first ♥

2. I always spend ALL my money on food, which is another sad fact.

3. Did I mention I love food?

Therefore if it comes down to choosing between some damn shoes or CHIPOTLE! Well people you already know what your answer is. I for one do not understand how anybody could not ADORE, be OBSESSED, go CRAZY when it comes to ordering CHIPOTLE! [ yes the exclamation point is needed ] I was reading this comment posted on Ronnie B's status [ jetminded.blogspot.com] and he said that CHIPOTLE! is overrated or somewhere along that line, it broke my heart. So then Ash-bunny [ she's my brothers god sister, nakedinglitter.blogspot.com] said " chipotle is made by gods, how could you not love it" and I so agree. CHIPOTLE is just super bomb. But sadly, this post isn't about CHIPOTLE so I'm moving on... sadly...

So I've become addicted to this site called stumbleupon.com, thanks to my boyfriend and basically it's a bunch of randomness at the tips of your fingers in any subject you can probably think of it. It's really fun, and I get excited staying up all night pressing the "stumble " button. [ I don't start working until next week, so I'm what my brother calls a " College Bum" don't judge me. ] So anyway usually I press the same categories all the time but the other day I decided to do the shopping section and that was when I almost died from what people call a shoe-gasm. OMG, I usually don't wear heels, although I do have a good build and tiny feet to wear them I would rather wear my " ugg slippers" [ their from TARGET! ahhh I ♥ target] I mean who wouldn't love to get something designer for super cheap, and the knock-off is so dead on. Whatever, I love a bargain and refuse to pay 100 something dollars when I could get almost identical pair for like 20 bucks. Saves me money, and saved money makes me happy; although I SUCK at saving money but whatever that's not for this post. So anyway I enclosed three of the shoes I will be getting, and I hope you like. :)

Adios.

how could you not ♥ this!

I just love these because their more on the wild side, and I would so have fun trying to figure out what the heck to get to match these :) such a challenge

snakeskin, and blue? Love it. enough said.

When I grow up I wanna be--

2009-08-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

A HOOTERS GIRL!!?!

I know I know.. I'm pretty much GROWN up but I can still have goals that I want to achieve right, and " the girls " [ in other words my boobs ] are big enough, although I know that's not what they look for and I've NEVER eaten there, sad now that I think about it. But I really think I would be good at doing something like that, I'm sure they would hire me for the job so I think I'm going to go for it and then that way if I can get a job here then I can secure on hopefully when I move to VA sometime in december or january. So I thought I would share my excitement over my new goal, besides being a " hooters girl" I could so earn tips while I'm doing it. WOO HOO for tips, and hopefully I can find a close place to the apartment in VA so I can be one there too. Until next time...

"Team Awesome "

2009-08-11T21:06:00.001-07:00

So today I'm at my dad's apartment and I'm watching ultimate cake off which reminds me of the food network challenge that I used to watch when we had cable. Unfortunately, at mi madre's house we don't have cable which makes me realize how much I do miss it. Usually I'm able to catch up with the few shows that I do watch on a regular basis the next day on the internet but I've had a big obsession with the food network and travel channel when we had cable and now I realize how much I've missed it. :(

So every time I watch the food network I ALWAYS find something that can hold my attention from hours on end, whether it be chopped, Iron chef America, Diners, Drive-In's & dives and OF COURSE the different food network challenges. How can you not enjoy these shows man. I freaking love it ridiculously and EVEN fell asleep watching it, and my boyfriend stayed up and told me all about it. :) ahhh the good times.

Here's just a few opinions on shows I can't get a enough of:

Guy Fieri is simply AMAZING. His show ALWAYS makes me hungry so if you do decide to watch this show definitely make sure you're eating as you watch. The places he visits makes me wish they were looking for a co-host I would so be the best person ever to do it HONESTLY. I love food with a passion and what job is better than getting paid to eat?!? Okay, I KNOW that the bathroom is probably the place ends up in at the end of the night filming all this stuff, and it's definitely not good to be consuming all this food and not being active but come on we deserve to live a little right? Reguardless, food network if your looking for a female co-host, I'm your girl.

So chopped is another really good show, the ingredients they sometimes give the chefs to use are such a challenge I even find myself trying to come up with recipes as they start working on them. It's a really good show, and it also gives you hints and shows you different ways to make stuff and what not. Although I love to cook, I don't want to have to go school and pay for it so I get hints watching this show and sometimes find stuff that I want to try one day when I get a chance. Definitely a good show.

I also can't get enough of the Food Network Challenge and although this child can be very very annoying I loved the sweet sixteen Miley Cirus one. The cakes were super cute and I was definitely getting ideas to have my cake made for my 21st, although they wouldn't be exactly the same but the cakes were so unique it would have definitely been a challenge for me to pick one. I also like all the challenges they do when it comes to cakes because they make some really amazing sculptures that almost make you double take and study it to make sure it is a real cake. I remember seeing a stand made out of cake with a dress and along with a pearl necklace and it was all cake. Like EDIBLE! I know it had to be super heavy but it was amazing. The details and everything, so beautiful.

Finally, the show I love THEE most although it was hard. BOBBY FLAY! I seen the one with the chicken & waffles, OMG! I wanted chicken & waffles right then and there. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE food. Like honestly, I'm like a big girl at heart; I ALWAYS say that but it's so true. So he challenges people in what they're known for, it's crazy & I freakin love it.

Coffee

2009-08-03T12:28:00.000-07:00

I've decided to make a list of the things I absolutely LOVE; I was inspired believe it or not by simple cup of coffee. So let's start then shall we?:

* Coffee ( If it's from a store then CARIBOU hands down.) I just love opening up the canister of it and smelling folgers. It's like someone handing you a million dollars. :)

*Chipotle: Believe it or not I've met quite a few people who DO NOT consume CHIPOTLE! So then I ask, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE? WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!?! That's a bit OD I know but man CHIPOTLE is Amazing how could you not love it.

So I'm a really a HUGE fan of food, like seriously I feel like a big girl at heart. I love making recipes and cooking it just makes me smile in my heart; "the boyfriend effect"

So the other day I had made this lamb shoulder, FIRST TIME. I promise you it was BOMB! SUPER BOMB! Like we wanted more, went to the grocery store so I could hook it up and they didn't have anymore. I have found a new love for lamb meat.

I love chicken, YES. Most black LOVE chicken, but I could eat chicken over hamburger ANYDAY.

I love being random. Pink, Lime Green & Yellow just fit man.

Polo kicks = sexy.

Showers. Although bubble baths are pretty bomb

Lip gloss. 5$ bucks at bath and body works. The green mint kind. MMMMM.

Icebreakers watermelon cube gum. It makes your mouth go INSANE.

Teddy bears. Key chains from different states.

My chi.

Paul Mitchell's super skinny. The smell of it is lovely.

Sweatshirts & leggins.

UGG boots.

Sex. Anyone who says sex is overrated is DEFINITELY not doing it right.

Rainy Days. Stevie Wonder. Harry Potter 6.

2009-07-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

So right now I'm in the kitchen, listening to the down pour of the rain for the second day in a row. Im cooking dinner tonight and I'm bored so I thought since I didn't write I would do some blogging tonight. Im working on getting to school this semester still; although time seems to be going by super fast Im determined to meet my goal. Today was pretty boring for the most part, I didn't do too much just some laundry and took care of some stuff for school. I might be getting an off campus apartment instead of living in the dorms on campus. Overall it's looking cheaper and it's kind of exciting too, I mean an apartment, yay me. Hopefully everything goes good with that situation so it's one less thing to worry about. Paying for school seems to be so complicated but I guess you get more benefits the more time and effort you put into your search. I just really dislike looking for scholarships, I mean I take ALL that time writing an essay and trying to make it sound wonderful and then I don't get anything for it... that pretty much sucks to me. Now although I hate to do all this work, I'm determined to not have to touch another loan for the rest of the time in school. I mean yeah taking out all these loans seem to be so beneficial but interest rates are a B*****. Seriously, who wants to leave school and be in debt, I am definitely not putting my hand up, because I don't want to be in that situation.

So onto the next subject, try listening to Stevie Wonder and listening to the rain.. it's so relaxing almost makes you forget about any worries you have.. ALMOST. So I've decided to do numerous posts about Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. See I went and seen the movie and now I'm rereading the book and I've seen so many differences that it is ridiculous. I guess you could say that Im disappointed in the movie itself, it's so not fair that they left so many things out and then added that retarded scene into the movie.

Side Note: So I was reading this article today on Yahoo! and it showed this man who had mean a living without money at all. Now let me just say this his means of living were obviously not extravagant but he still managed to figure out a way to survive for three years without spending any money at all. Hell he even had a blog, but Im quoting him for something that he said in the article that I found interesting and it reminded me of a conversation that me and the boyfriend had. "Money represents lack. Money represents things in the past (debt) and things in the future (credit), but money never represents what is present."

But anyway back to the harry potter differences.. Im still in the middle of reading the book but here's what I've gotten so far..

Dudley is really blonde in the book not dark hair as he is presented in the movies from the very first one that came out

The Hogwarts express is in indeed scarlet not black, unless I read it wrong because I am aware they quote " scarlet smoke" often when talking about it

Tonks is the one who found Harry on the floor after he was petrified by Malfoy not Luna "looney" lovegood

Snape took Harry up to the castle when he was late, not Hagrid.

Fleur never made an appearance in the movie and neither did bill.. (which really sucks because it was quite entertaining to read in the book, calling phlgem hahah)

Professor Slughorn was described as quite large and bald in the movie he wasn't what I expected but he was NOT bald.

The lucky potion given to Harry Potter in the book was said to be gold, the potion in the movie was water. CLEARLY.

Also I was looking forward to the caldron showing the potion of the felix felicis and it didn't show. Disappointed yet again

Dumbledore doesn't go to the borrow with Harry instead he sends him there by hisself

The slug club meeting was on the hogwarts express in the book not in the castle

Now I know some of these are like.. really? who cares but these are some things that just stood out to me but don't worry for those of you who were entertained. I will surely post more as I continue to read.

2009-07-19T00:28:00.000-07:00

Today I was upset. frustrated. COLD. very COLD.

Let's start with this ridiculous weather, the temp in the car says 67.. that is BS. I had a sweatshirt on today and was still cold. It was gloomy out. It felt like the beginning of FALL. This is NOT okay MN. NOT OKAY.

For the past TWO days I have put up with this and I want my REAL summer weather ASAP.

Im glad I could have this conversation with you MN weather. Now straighten up and act right.

I am upset because it seems like it's impossible for me to get the remaining amount of money that I need in order to start school in the fall. I am trying to be patient and have faith. I am very big on faith and hope so this is definitely a test. I hope to pass with flying colors but this is becoming very frustrating. Which brings me to my last emotion of the day.

Frustration. My family is very dysfunctional. Look it up in the dictionary and you will see a picture of MY family. Not even pretending to be FUNCTIONAL in the picture no.. not at all. There is pure entertainment going on in this picture, with my 8 year old brother acting like he is TWO. He is very spoiled and takes advantage of being the baby of the family, ( which most people should say I need to give him the benefit of the doubt, but if you could be in the same room with him for 24 hours without wanting to fight him KUDOS to you. )

I am going to be okay. I am determined to make this goal possible. But for now I needed to vent; and the best place that I could think of would be my blog at 2:35 in the morning. Im not as whiny as this post makes me. And with that being said ( for you lilly, I started a sentence with AND :) ) I will end this post on a good note.

My boyfriend makes me smile. He's the best. He is the sunshine of my life. :)

I am happy again.

School.

2009-07-17T13:31:00.000-07:00

There are definitely a lot of things I could say about this topic. Im super excited to be starting at Virginia State but I'm also very confused and frustrated because I thought there was more help out there to be able to pay for school. It sucks to not have amazing credit already and always needing a co-signer. I'm so close to my goal, seriously I can like reach out and grab it and it's driving me insane. I guess I want it to be handed to me, but OF COURSE nothing in life is handed to you. NOTHING. So I need to suck it up and look harder. But everywhere I look as far as scholarships go there for high school seniors. Boo to them...

On a good note I've decided to minor in spanish major in nursing. Super excited about that of course, they always need people who can speak two languages you know. Bilingual means more money and who doesn't love money. I'm hoping I make so much money that I can use my first year salary and pay all my loans back. Wouldn't that be amazing. I definitely think it would, or I win the lottery in like the last year of college. That would be even more amazing.. ahhh the wonders of your imagination. Oh gee. Well I thought this definitely deserved a post, had to get it off my mind so now I can pretend that Im not going to think about it up until the time I need to leave. 3 weeks, I've never been so indecisive about a time period in my life. Sigh...

No title

2009-07-10T22:51:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to try and write more on blog, it seems to help when you let things out more often than keeping them bottled up anyway. So today was pretty boring I didn't do much; just stayed in the house for the most part. I'm super anxious for school to start in August but at the same time I feel like stacks of bills are piling up in front of me and I'm anxiously looking for a way to bring them down. I've been working at Dairy Queen now for about 3 1/2 years, and I'm currently suppose to be in Hampton, Va for summer school. But as the current situation is: I am not. For various reasons but the number one reason being that Hampton University is a HBCU ( Historically Black College & University) and although it's suppose to be prestigious it sucks horribly. They are so unorganized and rude it's ridiculous. So anyway seeing as I'm back in Minnesota I thought I could stock up on some hours but because of this "Wonderful" economy we live I am not getting barely any hours AT ALL. I'm currently " ON CALL" for the next month and I'm suppose to leave in a month. How grand is that? Oh so very grand; because during this time my phone bill will rise as well as crappy left over bills from the doctor because my insurance is RETARDED not to mention the great decision I decided to make when investing in a credit card at the young and tender " i think I'm grown" age of 18. Please people if you haven't gotten credit card please DO NOT DO IT. It's like a ticking time bomb, and so easily able to get you into knee deep debt. Which is why I responsibly decided to tear mine to pieces and once it's paid off I will feel completely free. So on top of those wonderful things that are building up I also need to come up with 400 dollars for a housing deposit and 100 dollars to send a paper to the school saying " Yes, I will be attending in the fall" NEVER in my LIFE did I know a paper could be so expensive. GRRR.

So as all this happening I'm waiting to get an award letter from the school letting me know how much they will give me for the school year. I really think Financial Aid could be so much more helpful just because it seems like they don't give you anything at all. I mean the school is like 22,000 a year I guess and I mean what I MAY get like 2 in grants but then I have to turn around and take out a crap load of loans and that's frustrating because then I have to pay those BITCHES back. That's not okay at all. I mean seriously, with the government spending so much money on things that are a little less important I definitely think we should be able to get more help for school; because honestly 2 grand ain't shit when I need to come up with 20 more. You think I got that shit stowed away. Not even. I wish.

Love

2008-11-22T23:03:00.001-08:00

Sacrifice is something amazing. Depending on what it is, but what if you sacrificed your emotions.

If you felt like you were doing all the work? Then what.

The answer is simple right..but what if it's more complex.

love. damn that word right?

"Love don't live here"

"Love don't exist"

Im sure you've heard it all. I even find myself questioning that four letter word.

It seems harmless enough right. I don't question the word no of course not.

Maybe the feeling. nah.. im sure I know when Im in love.

But how can one person fall in love before the other.

I mean it COULD happen, but how?

Is one perhaps more infatuated with the other, then it leads to something more complex.

Does love truly happen at "first sight"

Or is it lust as so many people are quick to answer.

Mmm. Love is tricky.

But only if you make it.

I mean if you acknowledge those feelings right away, and go with her gut.

instinct.

intuition.

all that jazz..

then you should be able to determine whether or not your in love.

But if you have to question it then does that mean your really not?

Just something to think about...

Habits.

2008-11-22T22:10:00.001-08:00

On and On

Over and Over

Breathing. Crying. Laughing. Smiling.

1 mth.

4 wks.

Not Consecutively though.

Feeling but no contact.

Listening but not hearing

Smiling through the pain.

wanting to do the right thing.

correct.

"Your Right"

Just words.

Distance.

20 hrs.

thousands of miles.

its hard.

difficult.

frustrating.

confusing.

irritating.

lonely.

MusiQ

2008-11-15T23:18:00.000-08:00

Say it..

I need..

you

to just

say it.

I want you to tell me

Don't sugar coat it give it to me..

raw.

brutal.

honest.

Flaws.

Imperfections.

Late nights..

lonely..

yet attached.

Tears flowing

Heart aching

Body yearning..

yearning for...

a simple touch

your smile.

feeling you through

melodies. beats. breaks.

tones. bridges. verses.

Im..

"going crazy"

I need to

" See you again.."

because that's the only time i ..

truly feel..

"ALIVE"

I feel like im gonna

"LOSE CONTROL"

I need you to

"STAY"

Say it.

Please.

I just need you to

Say.

It.

I HATE you.

2008-11-11T18:25:00.000-08:00

I HATE you..

For...

Making me laugh. Making me smile.

Making think all this shit was even worthwhile.

Giving me false hope, playing with my emotions.

Falling into this trick

A mirage perhaps?

I just want to leave and never look back

I don't wanna over react but it's already been done..

Im frustrated because..

This is something I can't control.

This is something that's out of my hands..

The tears. You don't see.

The smile.. stationary.

The anger.. you don't feel.

The music i have to feel you through...

the fact that we're trying to get closer but steadily growing apart.

Am I trippin.. oh i haven't even started.

I want to understand

I want to be the best.

I want to not even fit with the rest.

I wanna scream. Laugh. Cry. Yell.

Uncontrollable.

It hurts, but why?

Trust.. hmmm..

If you don't have trust you don't have nothing..

If you don't have time.. then how can you even call this a relationship.

Im not attacking. Im not giving up.

Im just frustrated. You don't understand.

We're opposites.

Attracted.

Blog

2008-11-11T12:23:00.000-08:00

So.. I am liking this whole blogging thing. It's easier to just write on the cpu because I'm on here more vs trying to write thoughts out the old fashion way. So right now Im frustrated beyond words.. but in order for me to actually do an entry I have to try and put how I feel into words..

So there's this situation I'm going through right now and Im trying to get a grip over on it. Im trying to be understanding and to realize that not everybody has been raised like me. But I'm not going to lie it's so hard. It's hard because you don't know what the right thing is to do. It's hard for all these various reasons and it's much easier to just be frustrated and to cut that person out.. but I can't..I mean I don't feel like taking the easy way out is the right thing to do. Someone told me that it's hard transition especially if someone is the total opposite. I mean honestly I feel like someone who is exactly like me would kind of be irritating.. not to say that irritate myself.. I mean well..whatever.. but anyway Im just sort of stuck right now.. I mean I just I know what I want and I know that good things come to those who wait.

This entry actually isn't even going the way I want it to go, I have so many thoughts and Im feeling so many things that I still can't seem to put them into words. For them to be clear, because right now everything is foggy and it's not making sense.. but I mean.. ughh.. i dunno..

It is what it is for right now, and whatever is suppose to happen will and if I can keep that in mind I think that things will get better. Repeating yourself isn't going to change anything, but then again closed mouths don't get fed so..

Argue.

2008-11-10T19:13:00.000-08:00

Eating but not tasting

Drinking but not quenching

Liking but not loving

Forgiving but not forgetting

Living but not learning

Im....

Learning as I live..

slowly, with intent. careful.

Hidden. needing to be seen.

Crying but not healing.

Writing but it's not making sense.

To who?

Random.. yet still deep thoughts..

Yearning but it not being fulfilled..

negative.. no positive..

smiling. because it shows hope.

Words fall into place..

securing a thought.

An idea..

Forgiveness is ..

hard.

easy.

forgiveness just is.

Confusing.

thoughtful.

careful.

Half full.

Half empty.

passive/ aggressive.

Life is beautiful, yet random

Life has meaning if you look for it

Every situation has good in it no matter how bad.

Love is for everyone, you just have to be patient.

Forgiveness shows maturity, to forget takes time.

Nobody is perfect.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The eye is the window of the soul.

The soul just is...

RoqBottom

2008-11-10T18:52:00.000-08:00

So I've decided to try out this whole blogging thing. I mean who knows I might like it.

So today was pretty boring nothing too fun. I've had a lot of things going on in this place we call my brain. I don't even know where to begin. Lets first start off with OBAMA! So I know it's old but still, dude we got a BLACK PRESIDENT. I don't care what anyone else says this is going to be amazing.

So Im pretty random, if anyone is reading this, and my thoughts will more than likely just not flow very good but whatever. Anywho, I think it's kind of interesting how you can always help someone else but when it comes to your own personal situations it's always harder. I've helped two people this week and when it comes to my own I really just don't seem to have a solid grip on it and it gets on my nerves. It's not that I don't want to move forward but everytime I try to not let something happen I do just that. It's not even wrong Im just sick of being in this same predicament over and over again. I always feel like I give more than in certain situations and even if I express them I still don't think it matters.

You know when you were a kid I'm sure we've always had a story we remember where the princess finds her prince and they live happily ever after? Well I think it's just that a BS fairy tale. I don't mean to be bitter not at all, but I just think that they sold us this dream about how perfect things are going to be and in the end it's not even like that at all. It's always something and maybe it's because of the choices that you made or the mistakes who knows? But nothing is perfect, and yeah their may really be a prince charming but it's not going to be perfect with him neither you know. You're going to have your problems and you may work through them or you may not it just all depends.. honestly..